WAKWAK! No to Price Hike

Zalmoun Chouchou lifts the fuel nozzle back into the holster and bites his lips in deception as he sees the price light up on the screen: 211 Dirhams to fill up his 18 litre tank.

This is the aftermath of a price hike in Morocco after the government decided to end their subsidy of petroleum. While OPEC does transport petroleum barrels to Morocco rather affordably, the prices are still a lot higher than what Moroccans are used to at the pumps.

"I remember when it was 8 Dirhams per litre," said Zalmoun, "and even then we said this is too much. Now it's almost 12 Dirhams a litre, I wish I didn't complain when it was only 8!"

This increase in costs is part of the governments program to lessen traffic. The urban streets in Morocco are too crowded with cars and accidents are on the rise. The department of transportation has been seeking to expand the roads and build more highways in the area, however the implementation of these projects will take years to complete.

Young drivers are being caused to not drive, as hey can no longer afford to pay gas prices. Cars for unemployed youth are sitting around and gathering dust instead of being driven in the streets. Recent reforms against youth drivers saw the driving age increase to 21. This is also part of the government's plan to lighten the load of traffic in the streets of Morocco.

Scholar Has Solution for Unwed Women

Cheikh Al-Fasassi

Famous Moroccan Cheikh, Mohamed Al-Fasassi, has a solution to save all unwed women from continuing to sin and commit fitna.

According to Al-Fasassi, every woman who is unwed and over the age of 16 is living in sin. "It is a sin for a woman not to be married."

And in order to stop all these women from sinning, and in order to end the increasing number of spinsters in Morocco, this wise cheikh has a solution:

"I volunteer myself to have all unmarried women 16 years and up as my wife. Especially unmarried women between the ages of 18-25....I mean, between the ages of 16-21"

That's right, this kind and beloved cheikh is volunteering himself to be the husband to save all these women from the fiery pits of Jehinom. He is offering his heart along with accepting her dowry.

Already scores of women have volunteered, including SINA -- the popular new sensational singer -- who has recently become very religious.

SINA Has a Revelation!

While on tour, popular celebrity singer and new Moroccan sensation SINA has been raising up in the charts and being greeting by fans all across Morocco.

SINA - Before

Considering herself as "the Moroccan Whitney Houston", SINA started off as a YouTube singer in an english speaking self-produced music video that just went viral.

Over 150,000 hits in just 2 weeks saw SINA more popular than the latest Justin Bieber single. SINA was invited to be on the radio and produced an album with famous Moroccan Rapper HosNiNi.

The acclamation of her fame had fans dmeanding she enter "Morocco Has Talent" a Moroccan version of the popular American and British television show where people show off their talents for fame and a Million Dirham prize.

Unfortunately, SINA did not succeed on the show and was cursed out by judges who considered her to be a big joke. That didn't stop SINA. She got right back on stage and into the spot light!

SINA embarked on a tour across the Moroccan coastline, and when she was performing at a club in Rabat she experienced a revelation. A fan in the crowd threw a rock, hitting her on the head. SINA fell off the stage and landed unconscious on the ground.

After waking up in the hospital, SINA revealed that she experienced a revelation in a dream while she was unconscious. She saw herself being judged in heaven and being sentenced for all her sins. SINA saw her life in front of her, and saw how she was influenced by the evil "zayonists" who own the media.

SINA - After

So, SINA has turned over a new leaf. She now prays 5 times a day and reads the coran daily. She has taken to wearing a burqa to cover herself and keep chaste while she is seeking to better herself and remove the stains of her immoral past.

There will no longer be any SINA concerts -- except for the 2034 SINA 20th Reunion Concert, which is long awaited by fans who want to here her singing about "stronjer" things.

Fortune Teller Released from Prison

Why? Because she was RIGHT!

Sarena Achtouki 73

For two years, Sarena Achtouki was imprisoned. She came to the police in May of 2012 reporting that she foresaw a terrorist kaliphate arising in Syria and Iraq that would then come to Morocco.

In her attempts to warn the police of Oussane, she was laughed out and arrested for being a witch. Her trial lead to a quick conviction, and she was sentenced to 900 years in prison by a judge.

After ISIS came about to power in 2014, lawyers and police officers on the case began to remember the old fortune teller's warning. When ISIS expanded powerfully into Iraq and then made threats to come to Morocco, lawyers on the case quickly started sifting papers to find the old woman and get her out of prison.

The judge, who remembered the case, quickly signed her release and she has been offered a job with Intelligence services. Madame Achtouki has been released as instrumental in identifying the three ISIS holding cells in Morocco that police disbanded earlier this week.

Apparently, while in prison, Sarena told her cell guards that they need to warn Moroccans not to ride on any Malaysian aircraft this year. She said a large airliner would disapear without a trace, which guards laughed off as the "crazy rantings of an old woman"

Sarena does private readings for $9.99/hour

Who Has Lowest Child Labour Rate in Africa?

Child Labourer

Morocco

That's right, the coastal monarchy has the lowest percentage of child labour in all of Africa. In 2000, Morocco was estimated to have a child labour rate of 9.3% --which is still on the low end for Africa. The average rate of child labour in Africa, in 2000, was 24.7%.

However, after many successful reforms and policy implementations, the kingdom now has a child labour rate of 1.8%! Making Morocco the country with the lowest rate of child labour in the entire continent of Africa.


The African country with the most child labour is Zambia, where 43% of children under the age of 16 are forced to work. Mostly in mines where they are used to dig tunnels (similar to Gaza) or as prostitutes (also similar to Gaza), whereas in Morocco child labour is mostly for domestic servitude.

Algeria, Morocco's closest friend and closest enemy, has a child labour percentage of 4.7%.

Child labour is an international problem, and now that levels of child labour are so low in Morocco, the government can agree that it's a problem and not just a cultural matter that statisticians can understand.

Children and their labour has been used throughout history in agricultural and domestic capacities. Child labour should not be confused entirely with slavery, slavery entails no pay and forced labour but while most child labour is forced it usually involves a certain degree of compensation.

Morocco is modernizing and advancing so fast towards first world status, the UN might start threatening rights violations!

Who's Afraid of Da3ch? Not His Majesty!

M6 in Casual Attire - Not Afraid of ISIS

With reports of Da3ch, also known as ISIS, trying to invade Morocco and create turmoil many Moroccans are in a panic.

The army is deployed in Rabat and the intelligence services --with assistance from the CIQuack -- have already disbanded three recruiting centers and gunned down 90 terrorists.

Police are now on every block in Rabat and Casablanca as well, two of the cities most likely to be targeted in event of an attack.

Moroccans are heading to the marchet and collecting groceries in case of lock down, and are hoping that what has happened in Iraq or Syria will not happen here.

Leading the way for our people, his majesty, Mohammed VI, is walking along the street in casual clothes without protocol. No bodyguard. One adviser. And his hand among the people. Tetouan was the lucky city to receive the king, but this is hardly uncommon. His majesty is known for walking around and meeting with the people. Hearing their thoughts and understanding their needs.

Now, with the threat of Da3ch in Morocco, a strong leader is needed. A fearless leader who walks the streets with his people. This is the king, long may he reign.  

Beep, Beep!

Early this morning, the rampage of an 18 year old Casablancan boy has led to disaster. Son of wealthy Imam, Raoudi Aldelbar, the boy (whose name is not being released by police) started to cause havoc in his bright yellow Lamborghini by driving on the sidewalk and targeting pedestrians.

Some of the targeted individuals were women and at least 5 were under the age of 10.

Crashed Lambo - Casablanca

The assailant did not beep his horn, but used his luxurious and expensively silent engine to sneak up behind victim and knock them over.

He also targeted bike racks, where bicycles and mopeds were resting. He sklillfully hit the exposed part of the bikes and sped through them.

"I was just walking on the sidewalk with my child, then I find myself on the hood of this lovely yellow car!" Remarked one targeted victim, Hind Rhina

After causing this havoc, he made his way into the city center and sped through red lights cutting off traffic. At least 4 red lights were violated. Unfortunately, the young driver crashed into a wall and flipped his beautiful car over right near a police vehicle. Since few Moroccans drive Lamborghini, it was easy to link all the attacks and damages to him.

It is estimated that this boy will not receive any charges or be fined for the damages since his father is a prestigious imam in Morocco. However, his car is ruined and is in need of repairs. Beware Moroccans -- he will be returning soon to the highway!

Quackdaffi : New Page for Battastan

Muamar Quackdaffi, who has come to power in Battastan after a coup to take out Quackeed Al-Zahbatta was sponsored by Billionaire and Autocrat of North Battaland, Donald Duck Un.

Colonel Muamar Quackdaffi

Initially skeptical of his motives, Quackdaffi has received positive internal support as he has ended the strict laws of the Ayatollah and has begun work on urban infrastructure in Londonistan. He has also started a program to educate Battastanis in universities and create a more intellectual population.

A goose himself, from modest nomadic upbringing, Quackdaffi does not hold ethnocentric views like his predecessors. He believes strongly in the equality of all feathered beings and citizens of Battastan. He wants to see the country progress and enter a period of prosperity. He has already sent regards to Battaleon stating that he wants peace and is "not Donald Duck Un's minion but the representative of a neighboring power." Quackdaffi made the following address -- for many in the youngest generation, this is the first time any have watched television since it was banned during the regime of Ayatollah Quackmeini.

"For too long we have been oppressing ourselves. First a monarchy that was ignorant to its people. Then a racist who inspired the oppressed to seize power. And now we come from a war torn theocracy that suppressed all skills of the batta and geese. Now it is time to educate ourselves and move forward. The world runs on business, so will Battastan. And we will claim for ourselves a high position on the map."

The petroleum drilling contract, brokered between Exon Petroleum and Donald Duck Un is currently sourcing Battastan's largest production and export product. The White House in Hollywood has responded favorably to Quackdaffi's rise to power and is looking to do a lot of business with this large petroleum-rich nation.

Quackeed Al-Zahbatta Ousted

Muamar Quackdaffi

Only days into his reign over Battastan, and in the company of billionaire Donald Duck Un, Quackeed Al-Zahbatta was gunned down by several guards under the command of Colonel Muamar Quackdaffi.

Quackdaffi has assumed the role as president of Battastan and he made a speech to the nation.

"I p-p-p-pledge to uphold the interests of business and create a striving society in Londonistan. We will focus on petroleum, education, enlightenment and see that our national news media of Al-Quaczeera become the most succesful in the world!" said Quackdaffi.

Donald Duck Un explained to Al-Quaczeera that he orchestrated the assassination of Quackeed Al-Zahbatta. "Al-Zahbatta was instrumental in my great-grandfather's plans for taking over Battastan and securing oil trade with Umrika. But that's not my plan. I want a modern Battastan, not an archaic one, and I want a Battastan that will be accountable to me."

The billionaire investor, known for ruling with a swift fist, left Londonistan by private jet while Quackdaffi secured himself in the statehouse.

A well educated man, Quackfdaffi joined the Mujahaquack in the early 2000s and began as an actuary. His work then caused him to be a needed front line officer and right hand man to Al-Zahbatta. Donald Duck Un came to Quackdaffi and promised him the whole country because Al-Zahbatta was too militant and old fashioned. Quackdaffi accepted and is now head of state in Battaland.

Umrika Starts Drilling

Petroleum Development

Donald Duck Un secured a $130,000,000,000 contract with Exon Petroleum to begin the development. The Umrikan private corporation has been looking to get at the rich deposits of Battastani petroleum for years and may now have finally secured their pipe dream.

The Mujahaquack has militarily secured the desert fields and is now welcoming trucks and boats of transport. It is estimated that the oil reserves in Battastan could last for 320 years of drilling, at 500 barrels drilled a day.

Umrikan business magnet, Ross Heron, has already announced the spike in petroleum quantity within the developed world. He is certain that the usage of the substance in automobiles will be on the rise and make for a flourishing economy.

On the contrary, another Umrikan businessman named Nikola Dove, has stated that the increase in petroleum will only create a petroleum dependency. He does not trust Donald Duck Un or the giant petroleum companies and has commissioned work on an electric car.

The White House is looking forward to new relations with Battastan and is also turning attentions to make peace with Donald Duck Un. While North Battaland and Umrika may be in a cold war, the diplomatic trend in Battastan is leading to a renewed peace.  

Quackmeini Found! And Killed!

At night, while many slept, there was a rumbling in the sewers of Sirte (a village near Londonistan) in which the Mujahaquack found an unlikely goose emerging from a hole.

Footage of Quackmeini's Last Hour

Who was he? Ayatollah Ali Quackmeini. 

The Ayatollah was immediately recognized and the Mujahaquack alerted their nearby compatriots. They held Ayatollah Quakcmeini, who claimed that he did nothing wrong to the geese. He claimed that they are all under the influence of Battaleon.

In utter protest for the last bit of his life, he shouted out in shock and surprise that geese were hitting him and pushing him around. He was bloody and battered as he squawked out against the "zayonists" who were working for Battaleon.

"How can you do this? I am your Ayatollah. I freed us from Battaleon and the Zayonist Entity!" video footage shows Quackmeini saying. The Mujahaquack continue to shove him around, until one takes out a gun and shoots Quckmeini several times in his chest, killing him. His body, postmortem, was tied to the end of a car and dragged around the streets. Then, he was dragged across the highway to Londonistan where his body was presented before Donald Duck Un and Quackeed Al-Zahbatta.

In delight, the two celebrated and fireworks could be heard in the street. Ben Geeson, of Geeseal reported that "while no tear will be shed for the murderer Ali Quackmeini, no one will celebrate either. This is the passing of a cold monster, who delighted in hate, and forced his authority to cold steel upon those who did not comply".

Footage of Quackmeini's Last Hour

Quackmeini was responsible for several attacks upon Geeseal, as well as on Battaland. He created ethnic cleansing in Londonistan and was highly against modern technology claiming it was all part of a plot started by an unknown group of mythical aliens that came to control the planet known as "Zayonists".

Battaleon stated that the manner in which Quackmeini was killed was as barbaric as the manner in which Quackmeini ruled.

Donald Duck Un Overseas Diplomatic Peace in Battastan

Donald Duck Un

In a shocking an uncharacteristic manner -- especially unlike that of Donald Duck -- the supreme leader of North Battaland, Donald Duck Un, extends his hand for peace and development.

Impressed and amazed with the technological brilliance of Geeseal, Duck Un has presented a peace treated on behalf of the Mujahaquack and Geeseal. Tela Quack responded favorably to the terms and is also willing to negotiate with North Battaland in the disbursement of technologies.

Louisiana, which has an official maritime treaty with North Battaland, does not have official diplomatic relations with either Battastan or North Battaland. While Donald Duck Un and North Battaland cannot make treaties with Lousiana, Umrika, Canarda or Battaland due to the aftermath of Donald Duck's missile crisis in 1981, Battastan is a whole new animal. It may even be a way to pave a bright future for Pyongquack.

Donald Duck Un in authority over the Mujahaquack presented a maritime treaty with Louisiana to access the St Laurent river for petroleum trade vessels. He also proposed that Louisiana establish an embassy in Londonistan.

The billionare Un also saw to it that universities and civil repairs begin immediately in Londonistan, preparing the population for a technologically advanced future.

Umrika has been invited to return to their embassy and consulate in Londonistan, as certain business agreements have been made regarding the private commercialization of the oil fields of Battastan which are in high demand by Umrika.

Battaleon, who has very strained relations with Donald Duck Un, refused to accept an offer to meet in Londonistan. In fact, Battaleon has been moving troops on the border and is certain that Donald Duck Un has an ulterior motive behind all this peace talk.

Ali Quackmeini has not yet been found, but is being searched for by the Mujahaquack.

Londonistan Falls - Ayatollah Quackmeini Escaped!?

Londonistan, in a mess of rubble and violence, falls into the hands of the Mujahaquack. Stores are being raided and geese here are being killed. Through all this, Quackeed Al-Zahbatta emerged from hiding in the caves and is declaring outright that Londonistan now belongs to the Mujahaquack. "I am proud to announce that Battastan now is in the rightful hands of the Mujahaquack!"

Al-Quaczeera has been taken over and will now report the news as per the order of the Mujahaquack. Donald Duck Un has also flown in to Londonistan on a private jet to meet with the Mujahaquack.

 

Quackeed Al-Zahbatta

"I want to state how proud I am of the accomplishments of the Mujahaquack. Now begins a new day of prosperity for this country. We will free your mind of the burdens of free-speech, equality, and voting. We will give you a perfect country where you just have to obey orders."

Donald Duck Un has also issued a $3,000,000 prize on whoever finds Ali Quackmeini who is currently in hiding. His visit also involved the presence of several Umrikan petroleum tycoons that are bidding for a contract to take control and develop the petroleum fields in Battastan. Apparently, the original plan of the late Donald Duck was to use terrorism to gain control of Battastan and sell the oil rights to Umrika for energy. 

The Mujahaquack, which may appear to be more violent than the Mujaquackdin, is a lot more lenient in terms of religion and ethnicity. They will permit geese and ducks to live side by side again. They will also re-permit the use of television, radio, wheelchairs and other "zayonist" western inventions.

While Londonistan and several places in southern Battastan have faced the violence of the Mujahaquack terrorist organization, the goal now is to create a stabilized and independent republic under the control of an elect oligarchy of elites. Of course, it is very likely that billionaire Donald Duck Un is just going to use Battastan as a workforce playground for his global dreams of chaos and endless money.

Citizens Flee from Londonistan!

Londonistanis Flee for their Lives

The Mujahaquack has pledged ultimate destruction of Ayatollah Quackmeini. The Ayatollah hands on firm in Londonistan as many citizens flee for their lives to the countryside.

Right now the rocket fire has stopped from North Battaland, but relentlessly continues from the south. The petroleum fields have been secured by the Mujahaquack. And the forces of Quackeed Al-Zahbatta are moving forward to take down Ayatollah Quackmeini.

Battaleon issued a statement condemning the rocket fire of North Battaland over Battaland airspace. He also condemned the Mujahaquack for firing rockets on civilians and in civilian areas of Battastan.

The UN issued a statement against Battaleon saying that he is oppressive to the diversity of the 3rd world. To which Battaleon demanded why the UN was doing nothing while Londonistan was being slaughtered.

Ayatollah Quackmeini has been believed to be in hiding, somewhere within Londonistan or the countryside around it. The last message from him was published in Al-Quaczeera stating that "Battaleon funded the Mujahaquack and they are not Battastanis." According to the CIQuack, the Mujahaquack is funded entirely be billionaire sponsor Donald Duck Un.

Quackeed Al-Zahbatta promised to kill all those found in Londonistan, and to capture and kill Ali Quackmeini. 

Quackeed Al-Zahbatta Captures Oil Fields

After heavy rocket fire came encroaching upon Londonistan, the militant forces of the Mujahaquack began firing off their own rockets in the south towards the oil fields of Battastan.

Mujahaquack Bombed Southern Battastan 

The offensive started after Donald Duck Un announced that the Mujahaquack is the rightful owner of the oil fields of Battastan and the seat of power in Londonistan. 

There have been no reports from Ayatollah Quakcmeini, however the Battastani Revolutionary Guard --the elite army of Ayatollah Quackmeini -- has been deployed to patrol Londonistan. 

The Mujaquackdin has been fighting with the Mujahaquack in the south, although it is reported that they have been experiencing serious casualties. The Mujaquackdin is not as well equipped as the Mujahaquack that is sponsored and funded by billionaire Donald Duck Un.

Al-Quaczeera, a newspaper known for misleading news against Battaland, has published that Ayatollah Quackmeini is victorious in the south and around Londonistan. However, the population of Londonistan is preparing for the worst as images of bombed out cities in southern Battastan are surfacing.

Quackeed Al-Zahbatta and the Mujahaquack have claimed to fully control the petroleum fields in the south of Battastan -- which was Donald Duck Un's initial goal. However, because Ayatollah Quackmeini betrayed Donald Duck, his great-grandson Un pledges "no mercy until the end"

Donald Duck Un : "Goodbye, Quackmeini!"

Donald Duck Un Announces War

Donald Duck Un was filmed by the CIQuack preparing to make a speech to Pyongquack. Unbeknownst to them, the address was uploaded onto the social network stratosphere with a firm message and warning to Ayatollah Ali Quackmeini : Your end is now!

Donald Duck Un blames his great-grandfather's death (which has still not been disclosed to the citizens of Pyongquack as a nuclear malfunction) on the actions of the Ayatollah Quakcmeini.

Un stated that the Ayatollah has falsely sat in the seat of power over Battastan that rightly belongs to the Mujahaquack and Quackeed Zahbatta.

"I paid for this revolution. I tricked the Umrikans into thinking Saquack Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. I hired Quackmeini to do a job for us in Londonistan and now you betrayed my great-grandfather and me by taking over. Now it's time to say goodbye!" said Donald Duck Un in his video address.

Roughly four hours after the speech was made, North Battaland began launching long-range rockets into northern Battastan. The CIQuack also observed rocket fire coming from southern Battastan towards Londonistan.

As has been known, Donald Duck (great-grandfather of current Supreme Leader Donald Duck Un) secretly built an abundance of terrorist bases and training camps illegally in Battastan --then known as the Kingdom of Sw3ania. It is beleived that the arsenals of Quackeed Al-Zahbatta are now fighting to take over Londonistan and all of Battastan.

Enough is Enough!

Battaleon has had enough and is preparing for action.

A rising "news" publication has been reporting misleading and false stories against Battaland and Geeseal, filled with fabrications of the most ridiculous kind. The funding sponsor is Ayatollah Quackmeini who claims that the publication -- Al-Quaczeera -- is a moderate and honest look into the region.

Battaleon cannot believe that such rubbish exists and has banished Al-Quaczeera from being published in Quacbec. Based on articles like "Television is Satanic" and "Quacbec is a 3rd world slum" and "Killing Battas is a Requirement to Enter Heaven" and also "Battaleon eats geese children".

"Ayatollah Quackmeini is asking for an embargo. This is hate, this is not news." Said Battaleon

Which, the Ayatollah responded "Battaleon is a racist and a tyrant. He will censor free and honest news from Battastan."

To which, Battaleon responded "WakWak! In Battastan all newspapers, radio and television are forbidden except Al-Quaczeera. Quackmeini even burned all the books except for the Holy Book of Geese. He's the biggest hypocrite of all."

Ayatollah Quackmeini assures readers in Battaland that the articles are well researched and that there's no hate, only truth in what is reported. He also states that Al-Quaczeera has no agenda. It's just a fun loving paper that wants to support family values and express the truth.

Battaleon has decided to ban the publication, unlike Geeseal that still allows the racist Al-Quaczeera, and is threatening to bomb the newspaper's headquarters in Londonistan.

The UN has threatened sanctions on Battaleon if he bombs the dishonest Al-Quaczeera, and put sanctions on Battaland. Battaleon stated that the UN is a worthless organization that only threatens sanctions on countries that care for their people.

"After Ayatollah Quackmeini took over Londonistan, he saw to the killings of thousands. He made the city into rubble and dismantled the population. What did the UN do while families died here? While the different ethnic groups or politically minded were murdered? Nothing."

In response, the UN said to Battaleon that Quacbec is the only place in the region at peace. And if Battaleon initiated a hot war with Ayatollah Quackmeini, it could lead to a regional disaster. 

Le Prestige de Batta

Apfeldou Symbol

Breaking News - Battaleon releases invention to change the world!

Battaleon, Empereur and President of Battaland, is also CEO of Quacbec's largest and most exemplary technological firm Apfeldou.

Apfeldou was nearly bankrupted after a legal dispute with the Umrikan firm, Microsoft, that had claims over several patents and copyright protection. After the CEO at that time of Apfeldou resigned, Battaleon was afraid that the company would go to ruin so he installed himself as a passive chairman.

However, after several developments within Quacbec, Battaleon took an active role as CEO. After the creation of Geeseal, Battaleon opened up offices and
labs within Tela Quack --the capital of Geeseal. The technological advances by the geese in that land have moved leaps and bounds. Technological progress has skyrocketed.

And now, Apfeldou is proud to release the iQuack. The iQuack is a do-all/end-all device that is herein being referred to as a smartphone. The iQuack meets all the needs of the modern urban batta:

1. Phone Calls (it is a phone)\
2. Internet
3. Text Messages
4. Music

The music section has an unlimited repository of nearly 50,000 songs. Ranging from classical to pop. Users can download music into the music section --and of course, in Battaland, music is considered art and therefore free to download.

The internet feature retains satellite service and allows ducks to access the internet wherever they are. Of course, Battaleon is religious and Apfeldou is a religious company so the coran has also been uploaded and put into its own application for the phone.

Battaleon believes that the iQuack will change the way that Quacbecois communicate with eachother. He also hopes that it will promote personal attention to knowledge with the pocket application of the internet and the coran. Right now, prices are 50 Battalouis d'or (500$) per iQuack. It comes in white and black.

Master Art Thief Caught at North Battaland Border

Only hours after two priceless works of art by Audubon, the most famous artist in all Battaland, was stolen police made an astonishing arrest at the border between Battaland and North Battaland.

When the Comte de Chanard handed over his passport to the border authorities, the officer in command thought it suspicious that a former member of the Quacbecois aristocracy would want to enter Pyongquack. As is customary in suspicious circumstances, the police began to search the Comte de Chanard's rolls royce.

Comte de Chanard

Much to the protest of the Comte de Chanard, the police discovered that in the back seat were two circular canisters. Inside the canisters were the two Audubon classics -- Madonna del Quactro and The Duel After The Masquerade. 

Immediately, the Comte de Chanard confessed to the crime and was taken into custody. The Comte stated that these two paintings should be his and remain in his own collection. He pleaded that the Madonna del Quactro was in fact his grandmother, and that in the painting of the Duel was his grandfather who had indeed fought and killed the other batta.

The Comte, a royalist, had contacted Donald Duck Un a time ago and made plans for self-proclaimed exile from Quacbec. Seeing the United Nations try and execute fellow royalist leader Marine LeQuac as well as His Majesty, Battalouis XVIII, the Comte feared for his safety and sought refuge outside of Battaland. But before leaving, the Comte wanted to have two paintings of personal value to his possession. Ones of his family that he wanted to pass down to the next generation.

Donald Duck Un complied, and as an accomplice, who funded the operation, had a team of master thieves steal the paintings for the Comte. Upon receiving them, the Comte prepared to cross the border into North Battaland, and there he would settle in a castle that he had already purchased from Donald Duck Un.

Comte de Chanard with Marine LeQuac (ENUF)

Unfortunately for the Comte, the police caught him just on the last --and most secure-- stretch. The comte is now in prison awaiting execution because in Battaland, the theft of art is punishable by execution.

Battaleon has commented that he will not interfere or motion to change the decision to execute the Comte de Chanard. "His title is no longer valid, and he represents a decayed and destitute monarchy never to return" stated Battaleon.

The paintings have been returned to Versailles and the Comte de Chanard will be executed within 72 hours, by guillotine. 

ISIS is in Morocco

After a month's notice of threats, Morocco has discovered that ISIS has penetrated their border and is now inside. Local authorities report that 3000 ISIS members are estimated to be within the Kingdom's borders. That statistic has been confirmed by the CIQuack.

Police have been on high alert within Casablanca and Rabat, the capital. However --unlike anything since the war of independence in the 1950s-- the military has also been deployed and is patrolling the streets. "This is something I never saw before" said an anonymous 20 year old Casablancan.

ISIS Protesters - Possibly Moroccan 

A few days ago Moroccan police, with assistance of Spanish intelligence, discovered an ISIS Recruiting center and training camp in Morocco. 9 terrorists were arrested by police. The centers -- found in Fes, Tetouan and Ceuta, were mostly used to recruit potential terrorists and raise funds. Actual recruits would be sent to train in Syria and Iraq within the larger picture of Da3ech (ISIS).

This confirms reports and threats to the Moroccan government that ISIS was indeed creating bases within the country. At this time it is unclear how broad the scope of ISIS's plans in Morocco have been -- whether just for recruitment, or if also for execution of terrorist attacks.

ISIS warned that they would be potentially attacking several members of parliament and also McDonalds restaurants (or as they refer to them, the McEmbassies of America) a month ago. However, nothing has come to fruition.

Moroccans are living their daily lives -- but are indeed noticing the prominence of additional security. Police are checking bags at train stations, and the army is patrolling the streets.

Priceless Art Heist at Versailles!

A stunning raid on Versailles last night has left police and security baffled in Quacbec.While Battaleon and all of the palace were asleep, professional thieves managed to pry their way into the palace gallery. The gallery has been opened for public audience since the overthrow of Battalouis XVI as an exhibit for the citizens of Battaland.

Madonna del Quacto

This morning, with little traces of entry and exit, two valuable oil paintings --both by the renown artist, John James Audubon-- have been snatched from their positions. The works were originally donated to the gallery by the master artist himself, and have become well known in popularity.

While there has been a notable black market for fine artwork, originating in North Battaland, such remarkable and unmistakable works of art could hardly be transported without recognition.

"These works are too famous," said museum curator Malard deJacquac, "only the black market to a private collection is where these works can end up unless police catch the assailants."

The two works stolen were the 'Madonna del Quacto' and 'The Duel after the Masquerade'. 'Madonna del Quacto' depicts a beautiful noblewoman with three companions playing in the water of a pond in a location in North America known as Quacto. The second work stolen, 'The Duel after the Masquerade' depicts two ducks in costume dueling, allegedly that they were drunk and had a fight during a masquerade (costume party).

The Duel After the Masquerade 

"Everyone knows these beautiful masterpieces. They influence us and affect us. It is a joy to see and imagine what was going on when the great Audubon painted them," expressed deJacquac.

Police are on the move to secure the airports and physical border with North Battaland, where it is known that a large market exists for valuable artwork.

Assad To Retain Power - The Storm is Over

His Excellency - Bachar Al-Assad

As Iraq plunges deeper into chaos and desperation under the hand of ISIS, the situation in Syria has changed dramatically. The media has been focusing all attention to Gaza, while ignoring thousands of Arabs being killed in the Chams and Iraqi area. It's quite a shame that not one was paying attention and turned a blind eye to ISIS which is actually committing genocide --they are not even ashamed of it.


In Syria, the media has failed to report how the independent groups have failed. One of the last parts of Damascus has been taken back by Assad, as well as several other villages in the north.

But what is further, the independent fighters have lost faith from the people. They are not able to work together, and no one group is inclusive or offering a better life. The leading groups are disagreeing violently with each other and are partially responsible for the growth in violence throughout Syria.

Without the ability to work together --proving once again how incredibly diverse Syria is, the exact reason for how the Assads came to power and began to abuse it -- now responsible for the disintegration and loss of confidence in the rebel groups.

There is a saying in Arabic, 'Only the foolish don't change their opinions'

And unfortunately, the opinion that Assad will be forced out of power is the opinion that has changed. The independent groups are not strong enough, at least while they are divided, to combat the forces of Assad. Currently, the chances of these groups amending relations is not looking like it's possible.

Syrian Neighborhood

Syria has fallen to a world of rubble. Western experts proposed creating a Syrian state and an Allouite state --an impossible and ridiculous notion.

Syria will either rule independently as a collective democracy --which is disastrous for the Syrians, take a look at Iraq -- or Syria will remain under the strong iron fist of the Assad family. But it is clear now that, while the struggle may last long, the spirit and true threat to Assad has ended.

Regional Influences Support the Removal of Al-Maliki

The supreme leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khameini (not to be confused with Ayatollah Ali Quackmeini of Battastan) has made a statement denouncing any support from Iran to Al-Maliki. In fact, Khameini noted that he never supported Nouri Al-Maliki as Prime Minister. Khameini only accepted Al-Maliki because he [Khameini] was determined to see Chi3a leadership in the region.

Of course, Iraq's prime minister is not the only representative of Chi3a leadership in the region. The Syrian head of state, Bachar Al-Assad, is also Chi3a and a prodigy as well as common beneficiary of Iranian support and funds. Of course it should be noted that while Iran and Syria are led by Chi3a they do not speak for the Chi3a population. The bad name they give is a name unto themselves as power hungry despots --and should not be considered as a reflection upon the Chi3a peoples of the world.

Al-Maliki was not supported by Iran because he would benefit the Iraqi people, but that he would be an advocate for the advancement of Chi3a Iraqis over Sunni and Kurdish Iraqis. And Al-Maliki has indeed seen to an oppression of the Sunni population that not too long ago was the oppressor.

In a related address, Khameini stated that should any woman be a virgin before she is executed, she should be raped in order to ensure that she not be a virgin at death.

But in an unfortunate turn of events, the Al-Maliki leadership assumed the role of collecting paychecks from the west and neglecting their country. Groups like Da3ech have come about out of the need to self-govern and protect themselves.

Consequently, it is not democracy that was a fundamental part of the American founding fathers' dream. It was a nation built on man's natural right to self-governance and the pursuit of happiness. A democracy can be oppressive, but certainly not as common or as vast as the oppression that dictators impose on their people. The neglectful and selfish government of Al-Maliki proves only that it was a puppet regime to meet certain quotas -- but not representative of the Iraqi people or their needs.

Iran is not the only country to pull support on Al-Maliki, Saudi Arabia --a regional opponent of Iran -- has come to the same conclusion. King Abdullah, after assuming the throne in 2006, met with Al-Maliki in Riyadh.

Their relationship was off to a good start when Al-Maliki proposed several reforms and assurances to the king. However, Al-Maliki ---according to King Abdullah -- failed to perform any of the assurances. In fact, Sunni interests became decimated and the Iraqi people were brought great suffering unto them.
From this, King Abdullah dropped his trust in Al-Maliki.

King Abdullah waves 'goodbye' to Al-Maliki

US Presidents George Bush and Barrack Obama tried to arrange meetings between King Abdullah and Prime Minister Al-Maliki but the king was not interested. He stated firmly that he did not trust Al-Maliki and 'how was he expected to work with a man he did not trust'.

Al-Maliki contests his replacement and declares it to be unconstitutional. 

Power Struggle Intensifies Within Iraq

Nouri Al-Maliki

Iraq's newest head of state, Fouad Massoum, has already begun to make changes to his country. With Da3ch having taken control of a large portion of Iraq's land, Massoum has initiated Iraq's most momentous change since 2006.

What change is that?

Massoum has relieved Nouri Al-Maliki of his duties as Prime Minister. And in his place, the new president has asked Haider Al-Abaidi to step up and form a new government.

Al-Maliki is not pleased whatsoever. In fact, he has outright declared that his removal by President Massoum is unconstitutional. Al-Maliki came to power as Prime Minister shortly after the United States military ousted Saddam Hussein and put in place a unity government.

Al-Maliki was known as an outspoken Chi3a proponent against Saddam Hussein. Saddam, of course, had commit several acts of genocide against the Chi3a people in Eastern Iraq near the border with Iran. Al-Maliki's prominence is  what made him an ideal choice by US authorities to be put in the front chair and placed in charge of Iraq's government.

However, with things deteriorating in Iraq, it is clear that the Al-Maliki government is not effective or responsive to the needs of the Iraqi people. While Christians, Chi3a, Yazidis, Tourkmen are being massacred by Da3ch the government has done little to protect these people or attempt to claim authority over the terrorist group. Massoum believes that Al-Maliki has become too distant from the people of Iraq.

Fouad Massoum, a Kurd as was his predecessor, also is a reflection on another oppressed group during the last hundred years of Iraqi history coming to power. The Kurdish leadership and control in Iraq might even be on its way to lead to the birth of an independent Kurdish state. This matter is something that Al-Maliki has been opposed to publicly.

Are the Yazidis in Iraq the Original Philishtim?

A lost people, possibly found only in time to see them facing destruction in Iraq.

The Bible discusses a group that came to the coast of the Kingdom of Israel and settled in the modern day Ashdod and Ashkelon area. The Philistines AKA the Philishtim. They were referred to by Egyptian historians as "The Sea People" and it is widely believed that their origin was Hellenistic (Greek). This is based heavily on their pottery structure which, as it survives, is not Egyptian or Canaanite in origin. Nor is it Semitic or resembles that of Ugarit.

Philishtim Pottery

And yes, Egyptian pottery from those days is not by any means Semitic, nor is the language of the Ancient Egyptians a Semitic language --nor also religion. This is confusing for many westerners because today Egypt speaks Arabic, a Semitic language.

Yazidis Sacred Bird

Very little is known about the Philishtim. This is because, when they were conquered by Nebuhadnezzar, they were uprooted and moved to a new location within his kingdom. The same method was used by the Babylonian Nebuhadnezzar when he conquered the Kingdom of Israel. The reason for this was that Nebuhadnezzar believed to truly conquer a people they should be uprooted from their native land and displaced to another part of his kingdom.

So what do we know about the Philishtim besides the classic story with Shimshon (Sampson..Homer Sampson)...?

We know what they left behind in the way of pottery. And their pottery was decorated ornately by two unique birds. Peacocks. These peacocks were assumed to be an ornate representation of their religious or cultural value system.

Today, in Iraq -- which is the modern land of the Babylonian kingdom once ruled over by Nebuhadnezzar, exist the Yazidis people. These people not only fit being once displaced, but also hold the bird of the Philishtim as a sacred representation of their own faith --something other Muslims are not concurrent with.

Philistim Pottery

The Yazidi belief in creation of the world is different from Islam in that the Supreme Being created the world and placed it under the order of 7 angels. The chief angel is a peacock, known as Melek Taus.

Now, why two peacocks instead of one if only one rules? This is because the Yazidis believe the peacock is responsible for both good and bad things to fall upon people in the world.

So could the mystery of the Philishtim usage of the peacock in their art work finally be solved in concurrence with their re-discovery as a people located within the Kurdish lands of Iraq? Or could it just be a coincidence that these Kurds took a different take on Islam revolving around a chief angel, represented by a peacock, that stands for a balance between good and bad in all things in humanity.

Suicide Bomb Instructor Blows Himself Up

Suicide Bomb School After Accident

A suicide bomb instructor in Iraq accidentally blew himself up, as well as his class of 21 students. The school was set ablaze when the instructor self-detonated in demonstration to the class.

It is not uncommon in Iraq for there to be a suicide bombing, an occurrence that has almost made itself a daily formality. Especially within the city of Baghdad which is shared by many different ethnic groups.

Mainstream media decided to ignore the fact that Da3ch murdered thousands of Christians these last two weeks. Heartlessly allowing these children, women and men to die in silence. Most of these murders did not involve suicide bombing, but involved the rounding up of civilians and mass gunfire. Several were taken out more gruesomely, beheaded or crucified.

The fact that a school of suicide bombers has ignited and destroyed itself is reassuring somewhat. While 22 here died, each one could have had the potential of taking down hundreds of people with him. For 22 to die today, has saved many innocent lives of people just trying to put up with the growing oppression and violence of Da3ch in the Middle East.

Suicide Bomber

Unfortunately, according to Charia, the instructor will not receive any virgins for self-detonating. First, there were no innocent lives killed of civilians belonging to a different ethnicity or religion. This also invalidates the reception of virgins for the students who were exploded here. A suicide bomb instructor can still receive a part of the promised 72 virgin reward if one of his students explodes and takes innocent lives for him. However, since all the students died along with the instructor, no virgins will be issued.

How Donald Duck Un Funds the Mujahaquack

Donald Duck Un

Donald Duck Un, current supreme leader of North Battaland, has publicly affirmed his support for the Mujahaquack over the Mujaquackdin. He has threatened that the work of his great-grandfather will not stop but continue to flourish under his own regime.

Donald Duck had funded several terrorist facilities in the Ad-Damman region of Battastan. From here, Donald created a group that he personally funded known as the Mujahaquack under leader Quackeed Al-Zahbatta.

Al-Zahbatta, under alliance with Ali Quackmeini, took the oil fields and capital city of Londonistan from the Umrikan forces that had just ousted Saquack Hussein. Ali Quackmeini of the Mujaquackdin betrayed Quackeed Al-Zahbatta and took power as Ayatollah of all Battastan.

Quackeed Al-Zahbatta has been employing several elements of guerrilla warfare in the southern areas of Battastan -- areas traditionally inhabited by the nomadic geese of the area. It is believed that Quackeed Al-Zahbatta is hiding in caves among the desert mountains here.

Donald Duck Un has inherited one of the largest personal fortunes on the planet, as compiled by his great-grandfather. The CIQuack discovered an intricate banking system involving off-shore funds within the Cayman islands accepting money from Pyongquack.

Right now, and since the early 1980s, there has been a currency ban on the North Battaland Donalder which was frozen at a rate of 56 Donalders to 1 Umrikan Dollar (0.01 Battalouis D'Or). Umrika, Canarda, and Battaland all agreed not to accept or trade with North Battaland and begin a currency and trade embargo.

However, classical banking friendly nations like the Swiss and Cayman Islands, remained open for business and accepting Donalders. From here, Donald himself moved over $34bn which he converted into Swiss Francs and British Pounds.

Donald actually bet against the United Kingdom switching to the Euro and believed they would vote to opt out. On this day alone, Donald made an estimated 5-6 billion dollars.

In 2001, the Umrikan government issued a warrant to the Swiss government that they needed to reveal all account information with Donald's bank accounts set up in their country. The Swiss froze Donald's accounts, and the Umrikan government collected nearly $800bn which Donald had been using to fund terrorist activities that now operate solely from accounts owned by North Battaland in the Cayman Islands. It is believed that Donald may actually own the Cayman Islands in secret.

From the Cayman Islands, money is wired into Canarda. From Canarda, Battastani members of the Mujahaquack pick up deposits of funds in Toronto but have it arrive in Umrikan dollars. The Mujahaquack take this physical money into Battastan across the border and head southward into the desert. The money is used to buy weapons and other items for the terrorist activities there.

The system of couriers is so carefully strewn together that not one has ever been caught. In 2001, while investigating Donald's Swiss accounts, they also put a monitor on all activity of Umrikan dollar transfers in Canarda. Donald -- with the little he had left undetected in Switzerland -- had that money picked up individually by different agents in Switzerland, then transferred in small doses from Switzerland, Czech Republic, and Italy to Canarda over the past 12 years. This money was transfered privately by his agents in Europe to agents in Canarda.

Donald's money laundering scheme is one of the most complex and largest in the world. Now, Donald Duck Un, his heir, will be continuing matters and funding the Mujahaquack in warfare against Battastan.