London - Enough is Enough! We can tolerate Immigrants bringing their Culture and Religion but NOT their Weather!

London - Temperatures soar to nearly 37 degrees. Water is evaporating. Train Tracks are melting. Cars are too hot to get inside. Camels are thirsty. London is a hot mess, and as the 14th day of record breaking heat comes upon the city that once knew rain, the British public point the finger of blame to those responsible : Immigrants.

Typical London Neighborhood

At first, the British population was happy ---except Birmingham-- to be filled with an influx of multiculturalism from across the former empire. It was a treat to now have Pakistani and Indian food on every block. Kabobs became as popular a take out food as fish and chips.

After a certain level of comfort, the immigrant population in London began making religious demands. They wanted to celebrate their holidays in schools, and also ensure that they had access to special dietary laws. This included burning down several supermarkets that sold pork.

Then, there were demands to practice public executions and beheadings. A common practice back home, which the British government was more than happy to permit. Fortunately, the new immigrant population had no problem with the free socialized government handouts practiced by the British government --something not available in their former countries -- to which the immigrant population has adapted to.

Typical London Street

However, besides adapting to free government handouts, the immigrant population has not adapted to anything else in Britain -- Including the weather!

Now, the immigrant population in London may have gone too far. Immigrants from Southeast Asia have decided to bring their weather with them.

"The rain was too much here, so we decided to bring the 37 degree sun of Karachi to Londonistan" said Khan, a community leader.

But is London (or as some say, Londonistan) ready for the foreign sun? Some say no. The ministers of Agriculture and also of Energy are now strongly advising David Cameron to take action. "Look, if we do not stop the immigrants now from bringing their weather, our farms will die and our nuclear power plants will overheat and explode."

No action is being taken at this time. Britain is preparing for a hot summer!

Quacbec Day in Battaland!

Only the bakeries remain open as the entire city of Quacbec closes for its biggest holiday of the year : Quacbec Day.

Children fill the parks, quacking for joy, as the schools are closed and the lakes are open. For 463 years, Quacbec has been an active and powerful city within the region. Original settlers, ducks seeking a way west from Europe to India, landed into this giant and majestic lake over which the city is founded.

It was not always easy. Warring tribes of nomadic geese attacked the settlers from Europe. In addition, the cold and harsh winter caused many of the original ducks to perish. Quacbec was not always a land of corn and plenty. While the population of Quacbec now can handle quite well the affects of bad weather, the geese still cause trouble to the local populations of ducks.

Early Settlers of Quacbec

The ancien regime began in the 13th year of Quacbec, when the family of Battalouis came to power to reign over the colony. And after 200 years, Elisabeth sent a fleet of 30 ships filled with soldiers to conquer the city. However, Battalouis XIV (Le Quac Soleil) used heavy artillery to defeat the British forces. For this, Battalouis XIV was known as a national hero and he also aided the settlement of Battarouge in Louisiana.

And although defeating the British before landing at the city, Quacbec has seen its share of violence in the last few decades. The family of Battalouis began raising taxes to fund extravagant and ridiculous projects. This upset the population of Battaland and resulted in riots as even the smallest crumbs of bread became impossible to find. Expressions like "donne moi mais" or "give me corn" became a battle cry of the liberty demanded by the people.

Allegedly, Marine Antionette Al-Battataberg, the queen of Quacbec was so cold hearted that when her advisors said the citizens are begging for crumbs of bread she retorted "pfff tell them to go buy cake"

Through the protests, two major groups emerged. One was a nationalist group for liberty, equality, and democracy (Les TriColours) headed by Battaleon and the other was the Communist Party, headed by Quack Marx.

Battaleon agreed to make peace and unite with Quack Marx, on the condition that there would be open elections and that the monarchy be abolished but given rights as equal citizens. Quack Marx agreed, but after assuming power the Communist party betrayed Battaleon. They began a series of executions --and banished Battaleon from Quacbec. King Battalouis XVI, his wife, his 4 daughters and 1 son, were led into a basement in Yqauckterinaberg, and shot by a firing squad.

However, the violence of the Communist Party and betrayal of Battaleon led to a change in fates. The people rose up and took down the Communist party, Quack Marx was lead to a guillotine and beheaded. This led for the return of the monarchy with Battalouis's younger brother ascending the throne as Battalouis XVIII.

At first, Quacbec was satisfied that they had a king and a democracy at the same time. Battaland was never yet a constitutional monarchy. However, Battalouis XVIII was selfish and weak as a leader. He entered into negotiations with Elisabeth who still wanted to claim all of Quacbec for her own. Battalouis was about to concede several provinces in exchange for peace when Elisabeth sent an invasion force to take Quacbec by force.

Elisabeth inspecting Invasion Force

Many Quacbecois perished in the bombing of their city. The king hid, and his generals (trained by Battaleon) put together a small force to retaliate. This underhanded and sneaky attack by Elisabeth is known as the "Pearl Harbor" of Quacbec and has a memorial service to this day every December 11th. The army of Battalouis retaliated, however the force raised was large and required heavy supply and payment which Battalouis would not put aside his lavish projects of grandeur to fund.

Within a year, as heavy taxing returned, the people demanded a change to the oppression in Quacbec. Battaleon boarded a plane to Battarouge and landed in Quacbec. Without any opposition, Battaleon came to power over Quacbec and Battalouis fled away. In later times, the king returned under the leadership of Marine LeQuac who began a regional war.

First Secret Nuclear Reactor in Quacbec

One of Quacbec's greatest accomplishments was being the first  nation of ducks to utillize nuclear energy. Tensions arose between the British and Battaleon, which led the Quacbec ministry of energy to build secret nuclear energy facilities. They were covered up in such a way that the British would not recognize the facilities as military targets.

Besides nuclear energy, Quacbec is rich in phosphorous and is said to have one of the best cuisines in the world. On Quacbec day, bakeries are open and serving up a wide variety of pastries including cake -- which is done to remember the words of queen Marine Antionette Al-Battataberg.

On the more risky side of things, tourists are warned to be very careful and alert. While Quacbec is a first world city and one of the safest places to live in the world, it is not perfect and tourists are easy targets. Famous stories of masterful pick pockets and brilliant art forgers have come from Quacbec. In fact, Hollywood (the capital of Umrika) estimates that more than 50% of all international jewel thieves com from Quacbec.

A Batta Stealing from a Touriste

Why is crime so prevalent? It is very unclear but only happens to tourists. Within the country, it is rare that any crime (besides genocide) has ever been committed.

Tonight, the skies will be filled with fireworks and festivities. There will be a parade throughout the city today with Battaleon as the Coeure de Festivities. In years passed, the role was given to a duck selected to be the "Bacchus" of the parade and had control over the wine servers. Who would get which wine, and when. Today that practice is frowned upon as Quacbec is a majority muslim city.

Quacbec Day is a widely celebrated holiday and the most important day to the citizens of the city. Come to Quacbec and celebrate the rich history, culture and cuisine of the land!

The Failed Politics of Fear - How ISIS Will Fall

ISIS, or Da3ch as better known by some, will not be the group a foreign power's army can defeat. ISIS is classified as a nation or rogue state, ISIS is an ideological movement.

The nature of the idea of ISIS can or can not be religious, this is rather irrelevant. While the origins of the ideological movement of ISIS are associated by leaders as coming from religious roots -- Islam, the most prevalent religion in the region -- ISIS represents a movement by those disgruntled with 30 years of unwelcomed leadership that has been oppressive towards the common man. The silent majority.

Why are they acting now? Why not 10 years ago? The affects of social media have liberated the world from man's greatest fear : the unknown. Before, a government could boast about having the interests of the people as a priority while swiftly acting to do the opposite in order to preserve its power. A perfect example of this is when Saddam Hussein executed a vast number of Shia Iraqis in Eastern Iraq.

Social media is able to create confidence in people. Like with the fall of Ghadaffi. It is one thing when an individual wants to see a new form of leadership. But when all his neighbors, countrymen, from city to city and village to village post and discuss the same thing publically online, this creates a collaborative confidence among the people. And successfully leads to a movement against the entity in power.

ISIS is an ideological movement spearheaded into ascension by successful use of social media. But, behind the ideas of fighting oppression, exists a leadership organization. There is always an organization of leadership. And with leadership comes delegation. Even in an absolute monarchy, when the head of state wields full power, he/she still delegates authority to his inner circle.

The way that ISIS will fall will be simple. And the words of Lord Acton summarize it perfectly : Power corrupts. And absolute power corrupts, absolutely.

Within the leadership of ISIS, Al-Baghdadi has liberally given his top generals a strong hold over their territories. The problem with this strategy is that cities are factors of vast resources. Infrastructure, capital resources and most importantly human resources. The human is an independent actor, but a leader can manipulate perception there. A human can feel enslaved or free, and the most influential factors here are education and the leader. Remember, no government or king can take away knowledge.

In Mosul, one of ISIS's larger claims in Iraq, Abu Usman Al-Hassan was conspiring a coup to take down the state. He was, however, caught and executed by ISIS. However, he will not be the last and may not even be the first, to try and commit such an action. ISIS will fall because a finite amount of power is in the hands of too many ambitious men.

Abbudin & Battaland Enter Serious Talks for Commerce

President & Mrs. Al-Fayid

After Battaleon has signed a large trade agreement with Brasil, he recieved a call from Abbudin president, Jamaal Al-Fayid.

It is well known that Battaleon engaged in a conflict with China over the genocide committed there against ducks. Abbudin has recently also faced issues with the Chinese government, and now would like to meet with Battaleon regarding foreign investment into infrastructure.

Battaleon has graciously invited the President of Abbudin and his luscious wife to meet with him in Versailles, Battaleon's home and palace in Quacbec.

"There is much to talk about. The president and I see eye to eye on many issues of state and the world. Battaland would like to see Abbudin as the next Dubai!" Exclaimed Battaleon over the meeting.

Battaleon & President Al-Fayid

Recently, there have been numerous protests within the country of Abbudin, but this does not worry Battaleon. In Battaland they have also experienced many protests and matters regarding the issue of free speech and basic liberties, however it is not likely that Battaland will change anything, either.

"My father, Khaled Al-Fayid, was ardently opposed and an enemy of Donald Duck. Donald was a dictator who tried to wield absolute power and was responsible for several missle threats and funnelling money to sponsor terrorism in both Abbudin and Battaland," began President Al-Fayid,

"therefore, there is a strong framework and common ground for Battaland to work together with us."

Battaleon is looking to invest domestic capital across the developing world to expand the prestige de batta.

Battaleon Visits Brasil - Country Declares Foie Gras Illegal

An Innocent Batta

Battaleon, Emperor of Battaland, embarked on a State Visit to a neighbor in the South: Brasil.

Like most countries in the world, there is an extent of racism against ducks and in many countries slavery for ducks is still allowed. Much to the chagrin of the open minded and intellectual lands of Battaland, Battarouge and Canarda.

However, Brasilian law makers have officially declared that the persecution and malicious treatment of ducks within their country will be no more. Legislators have made the production and supply of Foie Gras (aka murdered duck) within their country and restaurants.

"It is a well known fact that ducks fly south for winter. However, Brasil has opened its doors and ideology to making this beautiful land a safe haven for all ducks in the world." Battaleon said.

Battaleon's counterpart, the honorable president Dilma Rousseff, made a few remarks of her own :

Brazilian President - Dilma Rousseff

"How can such an outrageous act of persecution, torture and murder have gone unnoticed for so long? The world needs to wake up and follow Brasil's lead and end the global production of foie gras forever!"

Battaleon signed a 50 Million Reales contract in trade with Brasil.

Yemen Begins Retaliation

After Yemeni rebels took down the unrepresentative government of the country, Saudi Arabia to the North initiated an invasion strategy. At first, the attacks consisted of F-16 air raids and had regional support from among the other gulf countries and even Morocco.

A moderate ground invasion started, but unlike Russian forces in the Ukraine, the invasion force secured assets in the remote north of the country.

Western Media Outlets stressed that this was certainly a hot war spawning from a regional cold war with Iran dating back to the historic "Sunni-Shia" and "Arab-Persian" divisions. However, this was far from the case. There is a strong element of Sunni-Shia tensions and can be linked to Saudi Arabia's excess of hostility, but this conflict did not happen because of the historic Sunni-Shia tension.

Quite simply, Saudi Arabia saw a militant take over in their southern neighbor and needed to be certain that their borders and assets within the south were secured from hostilities. This is not the most unreasonable action. Libya and Iraq have fallen into factional chaos and Iraq, especially, has seen the internal chaos spread outside its borders into neighbors like Syria. Saudi Arabia was ensuring that there would be no push into their own country.

However, the one negation to a preemptive strike is the consequences that follow. Yemen is an ancient civilization, strong to the core. To expect them to lay aside and let themselves be attacked without retaliation is not realistic. Even a country with as strong a military as Saudi Arabia should know that such a military cannot protect every square inch of the land.

Last week, 7 soldiers from Saudi Arabia were killed by Yemeni insurgents. However, that compares nothing to what happened today. Yemen fired a SCUD missile into Saudi Arabia and it exploded a missile base far beyond the border, in Riyadh province. This of course will not be tolerated by Saudi Arabia, and will lead to further escalation.

Although Yemen is 50/50 between Sunnis and Shia, compared to regional neighbors which are nearly 100% Sunni it establishes itself as a Shia neighbor. While this conflict did not start based on religious divisions, but on a security issue, historic religious differences between the two is most likely the reason why attacks have been excessively violent.

We Are Bankrupt!

Athens - Everyone knew it was coming, and for the last two years expert economists have assured the masses that Greece will not go bankrupt. But now, with debt at 567% of GDP, Greece has filed and will close on the 30th of June for total bankruptcy.

As a first in the modern world, a country will be allowed to default on its loans. But what will the consequences be? It may be that Greece will not be able to get a loan again. However, it may cause global lenders to endorse a ripple effect across the world.

New standards of nation lending could affect countries that are in debt. Restrictions to the ratio of loan size to GDP could come to fruition, or possibly limits in general towards how much a country can borrow regarding what and when they could pay.

Greece will now be a pariah within the European community -- but that might be exactly where they want to be. The Euro Dollar did not work for Greece. It is time for them to return to a currency that fits the needs and wants of their nation. A return to the Drachma will be good for global commerce and give Greece an edge in the export/import business.

Unfortunately, international trading partners will not look so favorably on the new Drachma. As Greece has defaulted on loans, and seen to a vast debt accumulation beyond repayment, it will be hard for other countries to realize and accept an exchange rate with Greece out of the expectation that it is backed by high inflation and volatility.

Greece will recover. The Greek people are hearty and proud.

Battaleon : EU Must Respect Immigration Quota

Following new legislation targeting the influx of immigrants from Africa coming into Quacbec, Battaleon is now focusing on the two major sources of the problem.

Here we come, Battaleon!

The first is that the European Union is not monitoring their seas, and are letting hordes of African immigrants sneak over to Battaland.

"We are not raciste and appreciate immigrants. But we do not appreciate the culture of disrespect for our land and customs that these immigrants are bringing over from Afrique" said Battaleon,

"And it is the duty of the European Union to comply with the policies that have been agreed upon to monitor the Mediterranean. Or believe me, Battaland will launch a fleet in the Mediterranean to do the job and the EU will pay for it!"

European leaders, such as Marine Lepen, have come out in full support of Battaleon. However, other leaders, such as Cecile Kyenge of Italy, have viciously opposed the measure.

Cecile Kyenge

"What Battaleon is asking for is illegal. Just because we agreed to something in a treaty does not mean it has to be enforced. Europe needs to open every door possible to welcome in Africa and be hospitable!" Said Cecile Kyenge.

Unfortunately for Cecile, according to International Lawyer Sir Charles Powers, an internationally agreed upon treaty does make it a law and it is the EU's job to enforce it.

Cecile Kyenge is prepared to go head-2-head with Battaleon over the issue, however the Italian prime minister has already stated that he will be siding with Battaleon and Marine Lepen on the issue.

Greece has commented that if Battaleon does raise a fleet to protect the Mediterranean, they will not be able to pay for it.

Battaleon : "Immigrants, Go Home"

Battaleon

Quacbec - Battaland has passed a controversial new law, targeting immigrants. While in the past, leaders of Battaland have commit mass genocide against ethnic immigrants, Battaleon has instrumented a more peaceful solution: "Immigrants, Go Home"

This has very little to do with immigrants who come and work, study or respect the laws of Battaland. Recent waves of immigration have led to high rises in crime and a refusal to adapt to the liberal ways of Battaland.

"Listen well," said Battaleon, "We do not hate immigrants. But there are certain immigrants that want to bring negative aspects of their cultures here. Such as crime, and inefficiency. Battaland has a system of socialist benefits, but when too many come juste to take those benefits, we must prevent them from abusing the system imperative."

Law makers did not find controversy in the emperor's proposal, and the legislature in Quacbec passed the law 513 in favor and 2 against. Those 2 against were promptly reprimanded as per the laws of Battaland.

"We cannot accept all world misery," stated Battaleon following the vote, "If we allow these immigrants as refugees then all Syria, all Irak and all Soudan should come."

Battaleon's immigration laws are not only limited to Battaland, but in fact are seeing immediate echos across Europe. France has emulated the legislation of Battaland, and assembled an army to draw immigrants back to the border with Italy. While some in Paris shout against this act of racism, the majority now agree that this is all for the best.

We spoke with one immigrant from Congo at the Italish border, "How can I get free healthcare now? It's not like our warlord allows that. We do not even have doctors in Mama Africa!"

Warlord of Congo M'Batutu

Congo has recently changed several policies under the new Warlord there. Religion is forbidden, so is any drink except state sponsored Peregrine. Apparently, Congo has signed a lucrative contract with Peregrine to build and open factories in the Congo, however the price of Peregrine is too high for Congolese to afford.

"Healthcare? Choices? No no, that is for France and Battaland to give to the people of the Congo, not me. I am just the warlord in charge." Said M'Batutu, the sovereign warlord and leader of Congo. He was elected in their last election, which was held in 1996.

M'Batutu seems to fail to realize, as well as the other Congolese and other African countries, that the secret to great statehood is not to elect a popular face or celebrity and then grab socialist benefits from Europe or Battaland. The secret to a great country starts at home. Sometimes, it requires a fight rather than a flight to another country. And worse, when you do immigrate, stop living in crime and littering all over the place like you did at home.

Battaleon believes the measure will be well received in Quacbec as immigrants are being shipped back to the 3rd World.

These Hips Do Lie - Rachel Dolezal

Washington, AC - The United States is in uproar again, due to the actions of a pre-operation transracial woman. Rachel Dolezal has long been known for her activism within the NAACP. Her astute dedication and hard work has made her a "community organizer" within her own chapter of the NAACP.

Of course, "community organizer" is the new name for regional chapter president within the NAACP in honor of Obama, who was a community organizer in Chicago.

Rachel Dolezal has always felt transracial. She believes that she is a black woman living in a white woman's body. Another famous transracial case is that of Michael Jackson, who believed that he was a white woman living in a black man's body.

Reporters ambushed Rachel Dolezal, and she walked off the stage when asked the classic Harlem question "Who's your daddy"

Within hours, Rachel removed the dye from her hair, revealing the natural blonde color and took off all the brown halloween makeup she had on and resigned from the NAACP. She's currently deciding whether to join a similar group to the NAACP, but for whites, such as the KKK.

All is not bad news for Rachel, however. Lifetime has reportedly been in contact with Rachel to buy her story for publication. They want to produce a film depicting her struggle with transracial issues in a transraciophobic society. The movie will be called "Who Dat, Who Dat" and is set to star Iggy Azalea

Culture Clash - Why the White House Does Not Understand that a Nuclear Deal with Iran is a Bad Thing

Originally, US President Barak Obama, pledged $50,000,000,000 to Iran in regards to the nuclear talk. This is nearly triple the amount of money allotted to the Obamacare program. The United States and Iran have been more than dissident for the past 30 years over political strife.

Right now, the US is prepared to pledge $11,000,000,000 to Iran. What does the US want in return? That Iran will turn off their nuclear program. Iran and the US are still negotiating but it seems in all likelihood that they will accept an offer similar to this.

Accepting the offer and satisfying the terms are two separate matters that the US is not culturally prepared to understand. The culture of the United States interprets this as a business arrangement. Very similar to negations with a general contractor. The essence of that conversation is : "I, the United States, will give you xyz dollars if you can complete a certain job that I want done. I, the United States, have money. You (Iran) want money. I, the United States, want a particular job done. You (Iran) have the particular ability to complete it."

The cultural logic of the United States is very straightforward. It descends from several hundred years of democratic belief and the notion of liberty that assumes man wants to live his own way and needs capital to do so.

Iranian cultural logic is not like this. In fact, it is not even parallel to this line of thinking.

First, Iran is not a Middle Eastern country. Neither is Pakistan. And Iran and Pakistan are very different from each other. It is hard for Westerners to conceptualize this because they associate Iran with Islam and a warm climate.

Iran is, as best to describe, a Central Asian country. Similar to Uzbekistan or Azerbaijan. The thinking here and culture is different from a Middle Eastern country, like Saudi Arabia. More on Saudi Arabia later.

The cultural logic of Iran can be summarized in the Western expression "to have one's cake and eat it, too". Iran conceptualizes that the United States is not offering them money to necessarily stop the nuclear program, but the United States is offering them money to PLEDGE to stop the nuclear program for a decade. Their negotiation will certainly structure payments to come in full and immediately, because they have no intention of stopping their own nuclear program. The reason for that is Iran wants a nuclear program, and the obstacle presented by the US to stop their activities is in no way different than the obstacle of obtaining Uranium 232 in the first place.

Negotiations between the US and Iran are bound by the American presidential elections which Iran knows are coming in a year. It is almost certain that the US will not stop negotiating, seeing time spent thus far as an investment, until the election comes when they will have no power to continue, Iran's goal is to exhaust out the US negotiating team until reaching the highest monetary payoff. In order to do this, Iran will be accentuate what nuclear terms they are willing and not willing to accept, but this is just a bargaining chip to maximize cashout.

Once Iran has convinced the US to hand over their money, they will find a loop hole and continue work on their nuclear program with an extra $11bn and the benefits resulting from a brief period of time of relaxed economic sanctions.

Returning to the issue of Saudi Arabia, here is yet another cultural logic that the White House is overlooking. Saudi Arabia is a loyal ally to the United States and furthermore KSA sees itself as a loyal ally to the United States. The way the government of Saudi Arabia sees this negotiation is that in return for Saudi's years of loyalty, support, and cooperation with the United States, the United States is now looking to negotiate a non-appreciative pact with Saudi's biggest enemy in the region.

How has the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia responded to the rather gauche actions of the United States? Saudi has engaged in a hot war in Yemen against Iranian supported Chi3a forces. Saudi has also made substantial contributions to ISIS in order to fight Chi3a militias funded by Iran. Saudi has also entered into negotiations with Turkey to support the Sunni forces in Syria and oust Iranian supported Bachar Al-Assad.

It may be a lot at once, but Saudi Arabia is in fact targeting Iran's infrastructure within the Middle Eastern theater. This is mostly because Saudi Arabia feels deceived by the United States and has lost confidence in the United States' ability to influence the region towards a mutual Saudi-American agenda.

Saudi Arabia pulled out of US talks with Iran, and it is believed that the other gulf countries will begin a more outspoken pushback towards US policy in the region.

Realizing that the US is losing a big ally in the Middle East, the United States planned to host several Arab nations at Camp David. However, Saudi Arabia's King Salman has stated that he will not be going, and it is very unlikely that he will change his mind. The entire purpose of this meeting was for the Obama Administration to repair relations with Saudi Arabia. However, this is no longer a possibility.

The United States needs to realize that it was a mistake to negotiate with Iran. Iran has no interest in stopping their nuclear program but has an interest in relaxing economic sanctions and seizing US capital. Another cultural clash is that America's loyal ally, Saudi Arabia, feels disrespected and deceived over the Iran talks and is not interested in making up with the current Obama administration. Hopefully, these issues can be remedied within the next executive administration and the United States can repair relations with old allies instead of fall into a trap with an old enemy.

Government of Battaleon Solidifies Petroleum Deal with Battastan

Le Duck de Beri & Cheikh Quaqbari

As Battaleon is vigorously overlooking the hot conflict between China and Battaland in Versailles Palace, the economic demand both civilly and militarily for petroleum has not settled. Comte Vitor Quacstierre, the Duck de Beri and Minister of Foreign Affairs, was sent by Battaleon to the remote areas of Battastan to make an agreement with the petroleum companies there.

"Battaland is a Nation of 1001 Lakes. But today our people demand oil and not water." Said the Duck de Beri.

The Duck de Beri has finalized terms for the import of 2 million barrels of petroleum a day into Battaland from Battastan's largest oil producer, Cooperative Petroleum. Cheikh Moustapha Quaqbari, CEO of Cooperative Petroleum, has created a joint venture with Battaland and is reissuing his corporate stock under the name Batta Cooperative Petroleum Union.

"We are looking forward to working for many years with the ducks north of the desert" said Cheikh Quaqbari, who is also the prince of the region.

Battaland believes that petroleum will help in developing an industrial advantage in the area. Many factories run on nuclear power, which is very costly. But critics of petroleum say that Battaland should be investing more in nuclear power.

"Nuclear power is the future. The elements have so much energy, we need to invest in putting smaller amounts of uranium and plutonium to work for the benefit of creating low emission effective energy."

For the time being, petroleum will be the life blood of Battaland and is bringing Battastan closer together with its neighbor.

Battaland Petroleum, or BP, is currently the only chartered agency to import and distribute oil in Battaland. It is a government organization, chaired by the Duck de Beri.

Marine LePen Reclaims Prague in Millenial "Anschluss"

Marine in Prague

As part of Marine LePen's plan to return France to her former day of glory, the politician has made a special trip to Prague. Prague, and more particularly the Sudetenland, are historically part of the Empire of Charlemagne and were hosted by both Napoleon and the French Resistance in the Second World War.

Marine believes that Prague should allow itself to become a protectorate of New France, and under her regime she will restore to Prague the rights and benefits of French Citizenship.

She has also thought of a new name for the neo-classical city : Frague. "We must combine the rich and cultured histoire of France with the former French city of Prague, We shall call you Frague"

Critics of Marine say that she is not the president of France and therefore should not be issuing edicts to take control of other countries. Marine counters that Frague is not another country but a part of the Empire Francais that has been separated by the German threat.

"The only reason why Frague is not a part of France today is because of Islamic immigration to Europe." Marine commented.

We asked several people in Prague if they were ready to become a part of France, but all were surprised and did not consider the question seriously. "We are Czech. We are not French and do not have plans to be French" said Alice Jostasa, a resident of Prague, "France? We just ended a relationship with Slovakia and are not about to start one with France. We don't even use Euros here!" Said Guaso Clivor, Prague resident.

 Marine will be returning to Paris in a week

Battaleon Orders Invasion of Shanghai

Crossing the Pacific Ocean for the second time in 60 years, AirForce Quackbar 303 is deployed for the aerial attack of Shanghai.

The team launched to the skies only 10 minutes after Battaleon ok'd the military invasion plans for China. The Grande Army of Battaland will begin with an invasion of Shanghai and the rest is classified from there.

Battaleon is not intimidated by the numbers that the Chinese have in their armies because the Grande Army of Battaland is far better trained and prepared for war. Not to mention, Battaland has successfully defeated the fascist forces of Battalouis XVIII and Marine LeQuac. As well as Saquack Hussein, Ayatollah Quackmeini, Donald Duck and Donald Duck Un.

Xi Jinping, President of China, was not able to deploy anti-aircraft guns in time. Most of which had been moved to Beijing, along with the bulk of the Chinese army, awaiting AirForce Quackbar 303 there. It was a slaughter, leaving over 2000 Chinese soldiers and civilians down. Battaland is not a member of NATO and therefore is not bound to target only military targets --neither is China a member.

AirForce Quackbar 303 is considered one of the best aerial fighting groups on the planet. The pilots are carefully selected at age 3, and are trained to fly and fight as a giant team of arrows. Signals and safety keep all the members together and acting as a singular entity against any threats or downfalls. The team acts as one, and while ocmmand is given to 1 duck, this changes when that duck gets tired and he moves to the end of one of the wings. Each one knows each responsibility.

Surprisingly, Donald Duck --the former dictator of North Battaland-- joined AirForce Quackbar 303 in the early 1930s. He was a noted fighter pilot, and gifted aviator.

He engaged along with Umrika against Germany in a World War. However, the fumes of the planes he flew contained high degrees of lead which may have affected his sanity over the years.

One of Donald Duck's aircraft are now on display in Quacbec in the Musee d'Aviation

3 Martyrs Spark War in China

The 3 Martyrs

After news of the death camps in China came to fruition, the world became an uproar. The injustice and genocide of Ducks is unacceptable. However, not all were limited to speech against this horror.

Three ducks from Londonistan immediately booked a flight to China. And truly it was immediate, less than 24 hours after the leaked CIQuack footage of the death camps. These three ducks, 2 brothers and 1 friend, went to the center of one of the busiest streets in Shanghai and self-ignited, exploding themselves. 243 Chinese were wounded, and 64 are confirmed dead at this time.

The Chinese government is holding Battaleon responsible. Xi Jiaping, President of China, stated that "It is the business of the Chinese people if they like Peking Duck or Crisy Orange Duck. Battaleon sparked this and China seeks compensation."

Explosion Aftermath

Battaleon has not yet responded for the acts of martyrdom. It is believed that when a group of people target your own, the ducks, it is permitted to kill them. While in Quacbec, these customs are considered more historical, in a more rustic place like Londonistan these traditions are still lived and believed in. Heaven is guaranteed as well in such a circumstance.

Londonistan is currently under the totalitarian rule of Muamar Quackdaffi, whose regime and installation was backed by Donald Duck Un, the semi-deposed former dictator of North Battaland.

The three martyred ducks' remains have not been identified in the location of the explosion and it is suspected they may never be returned home to Londonistan for a proper burial.

Stop the Genocide!

Shocking.

Tensions arise between Beijing and Quacbec after a covert group of CIQuack agents from Battaland were discovered in Macau. They had been trailed by Chinese secret service and questions regarding their espionage have surfaced.

China is demanding that Battaleon appologize for the CIQuack's clandestine operation in their country. Battaleon refuses, because their mission was not unwarranted.

Duckau - Concentration Camp, Beijing

Rumors of concentration camps in China where crimes against humanity were being carried out on ducks sounds all too much from a fictitious novel. Unfortunately, these operations and actions are going on in horrific measure in China.

Duckau. Quackshewitz. Battenwald. Right now millions of ducks are being deprived human rights and locked up in death camps within Mainland China.

Xi Jinping, the current president of the Peoples' Republic of China, refuses to acknowledge the validity of any of the photographs as anything more than quacktivist manipulation of facts. Instead, Jinping demands that Battaleon apologize and make amends to China for invading their sovereignty with illegal espionage forces.

Ducks Being Forced into Small Truck to Camps

For years, the Chinese policies towards ducks have gone under question. It has been known that several civil rights were denied to them over the last 10 years and have slowly progressed. Ducks had to write "Duck" over the windows of their shops, so people knew that it was Duck-owned. Ducks eventually lost the right to own property all-together in 2009.

In 2012, rumors surfaced that the Chinese government had approved plans for Duck camps of death. Slaughter Houses. Ones in which ducks would be rounded up, city by city, and taken in trucks and never to be seen again.

It was based off significant viability spawning from these rumors that Battaleon ordered the CIQuack to begin covert investigations. What they discovered was beyond belief. Millions of ducks being led off into small cramped trucks and taken off to die in far away camps.

Camp Guard Torturing 3 Innocent Ducks

Battaleon ordered the CIQuack to release the photos to the media, and he is now pursuing a measure with the United Nations against China for this irrefutable slaughter of innocent life.

While China is not saying anything and standing firm on their position that they demand an apology from Battaleon, in Quacbec things are different. From his palace, Versailles, Battaleon is already stating that Battaland is the Realm of All Battas. And if China wishes to enslave and slaughter their own kind, then Battaland will not stand idle.

Breaking News - Greece Defaults on Debts

The Greek Economy

In a stunning move that will lead to the inevitable dismemberment of the Euro, Greece has officially announced that it will default on its debt.

While even yesterday the government was assuring German and other Eurozone members that it would not default, today Greece told another saga. At the steps outside the National Bank in Athens, Yanis Varoufakis, Greece's Minister of Finance, made a surprising statement to the world. Greece will in fact default on its national debts.

Right now, Greece has about $245,000,000,000 in debts which is about 175% of their GDP. The debt is calculated in US dollars, which is currently very strong against the Euro. Changes in the Eurozone banking metric have led to the US dollar's appreciation of over 33% against the Euro. This move, while beneficial to countries like Germany, has only contributed to making things worse for countries like Greece.

While defaulting on debt is a sore subject for any actor in the global sphere, it is very unlikely that Greece will be in the dark for long. Researchers and eager investors will see that the Euro is far too strong a currency for Europe. The dynamic between Greek rural living and cosmopolitan German living has been given far too much stress on the elasticity of a union.

The Euro is now on a final plunge, perpetuated by Greece. In the long run this will be very beneficial, and Greece has begun a process to free Europe from the shackles of a currency that has brought more harm than help to its intended benefactors

Fidel Castro & One Direction Sue Hillary Clinton over Logo

Logo

A joint-action law suit was filed today by two foreign national representatives against US Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton. The two action seekers, Fidel Castro and One Direction, have teamed up to reclaim Clinton's logo as an effort of infringement of their own original ideas.

"It's just too coincidental," said Fidel Castro, "Just look at her logo. This is the Cuban flag, only re-branded for a campaign."

Castro appreciates America's more open stance towards Cuba since 2014, however, he does not appreciate the Cuban flag being used for the next Democratic presidential nominee. "I understand that Obamacrats want to have an America more like Cuba. But hey, that's our flag. Get your own!"

Likewise, another foreign group has had issues with Hillary's logo. And that group is the popular band One Direction. Stephen Arthur Burgess, Esq is representing the singers in their lawsuit and is dually licensed to practice law in both the United Kingdom and the United States.

"It does not take much to realize what's going on here," stated Burgess, "the arrow is going in 'One Direction' and let us not forget that my clients are called 'One Direction' so the answer should be clear. If her logo was a giant 'U2' then how could she not expect a lawsuit from the group 'U2' we are confident that we will win this court case."

"I'm not sure yet"

When Hillary Clinton was approached to comment on the lawsuit, she responded that she has no idea why they were suing her as a 'Presidential Candidate' because she has not decided to run yet.

Zain Joins ISIS

Zain Malik

Popular singer from One Direction, Zain Malik, announced recently that he would be leaving the group. With much sadness fans around the world wonder what the next step is for Zain?

Well, like several hundred other British citizens, Zain has answered a higher calling. He's saying goodbye to Elisabeth and heading East to Baghdad to join ISIS (Da3ch). His bags are packed and he is ready to commit himself to fighting the good fight.

Although Zain was born in the West and is accustomed to the ways of life that Europeans & Americans live, he has been inspired by the youthful movement going on in the Middle East. This has helped Zain choose exactly where he wants to go for his next big gig - ISIS : Operation Damascus. 

"The training was intense at first, but now I can really build the best missiles you ever saw!" remarked Zain to the associated press that were able to interview him after Cheikh Mahmoud Ibrahimi discussed exchanging several Swiss prisoners for money.

Zain Malik

The group is saddened by their fellow member's leaving to fight in the Middle East, but not everyone in the spotlight supports Zain's decision to follow his heart to ISIS. Outspoken critics, such as Marine LePen, have stated that it is a terrible thing (perhaps she is jealous of Zain).

LePen told us : "Don't you understand, this is not a career move. Hundreds of youths across Europe are leaving to the Middle East to join ISIS. And when they come back they are harming our societies. Europe, we need to wake up!"

Regardless of some conflicting opinions, all are wishing Zain the best of luck in his new ventures, and certainly One Direction will no longer be the same.

The Importance of Love

We are all humans and live at this exact moment together.

Because we function, we therefore function as one entity. Each of us side by side has a role to play in this magnificent instrument known as the Earth.

If we sour ourselves, we will sour those around us. We negatively affect the status of the energy of our world and make it negative.

However, just as easily as emitting negative energy we can initiate positive energy and allow positive thoughts to surround us.

Each positive day we live is a brick towards building a positive year. And each positive year we enjoy is a step further towards a positive life, an edifice completed with our death.

Just like how construction stops when a building is finished being built, our lives stop at our deaths. And just like how people remark at a beautifully designed building, so to will people remark at a life that has brought them alike positive happiness. 

Donald Trump : "Bring it On, Hillary!"

"Bring it on, Hillary!" 

In an astonishing and unbeknownst move to the public, New York icon Donald Trump has officially announced his candidacy for president of the United States. Trump was loudly chanted on by supporters, echoed by his fandom on Twitter.

The Billionaire, high rise luxury builder, hit tv-show producer, and outspoken private citizen is certainly an outsider to Washington. How likely is it that Trump can take on Hillary? He has a well known presence, and is famously remembered for taking on another loud mouthed woman who wears lots of pant suits -- Rosie O'Donnell

Trump said that America needs straightening out. He declared that Obamacare is a scam that benefits only the insurance companies, saying "Obamacare taxes every working American but only covers 16,000,000 Americans with a basic plan covering nearly nothing. Now, I'll tell you another thing. Each basic policy costs $2,300. Obama just gave Iran $50,000,000,000. That 50 billion would cover 21 million Americans!"

Trump also stated that he would be taking another look into foreign policy. Countries with a hostile stance towards the US will get the returned message, where as countries with an amiable stance towards the US will get likewise treated.

"I'm not sure yet"

In response, Hillary Clinton said that she did not know what Donald Trump was referencing because she has not decided if she would run or not for president. This does come a week after her website "Hillary 2016" launched and she signed the lease for her campaign HQ in Washington DC.

We tried to ask Hillary for further comment but she said that she needed to catch a flight to Iowa and had to run.

Famous Foreign Aid to Africa NGO President Escapes With Over $3mm

Sertisha Jenkins

Sertisha Jenkins, one of the world's most renown NGO and foreign aid executives, did not show up to work last Thursday.

In the midst of a standard annual audit into her NGO, Children of Africa First, Sertisha had been hardly seen in the office throughout March. Her secretary, Daren Louis, said that Sertisha had few words to say and was receiving lots of packages from Amazon.

"I opened up one of the packages to find a very large black bikini," said Louis, "And then Sertisha grabbed it from my hands saying that she was just shopping for the pool and was not going anywhere. I found it suspicious."

Jenkins built up her company from a collection of neighborhood church charities to an interactive global technology NGO seeking to teach irrigation techniques throughout developing Africa. Sertisha, a very charismatic woman and also a licensed reverend, would speak to communities about the importance of donating to her NGO to bring clean water to African children.

While an estimated $4,500,000 has been raised over her past 20 years in the industry, not one project of water irrigation has actually been completed. Jenkins has had communications with locations in Africa, and has even sent irrigation tools to several villages in the Congo. However, none of the projects actually ever took off. And, although enjoying a tax free status, the current audit had specific questions into her life style.

Auditor Ken Ford stated that several questions posed to Sertisha Jenkins that may have provoked her suspicion are as follows :

"Of the $4.5 Million that your organization has raised, why has only $14,000 been actually invested in Africa in the last 20 years?"
"Are you charging the company to pay your rent on a 4 bedroom penthouse in Manhattan?"
"Why was a 2005 Rolls Royce charges to your tax free NGO as a business expense?"

Right now authorities suspect that Ms Jenkins was laundering the money that she collected as donations. Jenkins was using the money to live lavishly, while enjoying tax exempt status over the last 20 years. It appears that Jenkins has been draining her accounts over the last month, and the FBI has traced at least $3,000,000 to her name being taken out.

It is suspected that this once beloved and respected human rights activist has assumed another identity and has fled the United States to a tropical location.

Euro Crash!

Simulation of Current Euro Value

Not many thought it would happen. Those that did think it would happen did not think it would happen this fast. But it is happening. The Euro is crashing down to its demise.

In December, the Euro was consistently trading along the same 1.28 - 1.38 ratio with US Dollars as it has for the last 10 years. However, today's Euro is trading at a 15 year low -- the Euro has not even been in ballpark range until now.

How did this happen?

Since inception the Euro Dollar has been backed by paper exchanges, rather than physical assets, between EuroZone countries. And, in order to speed things up, a lot of those paper exchanges were in fact exaggerated numbers far from actualities.

With the international housing bubble bursting in 2008, and the aftermath of a hazy job market, the road to recovery is possibly just a metaphor in Europe. In fact, the injection of German and British capital into the Eurozone's poorer countries has only prolonged the inevitable.

The problem is that Euro Dollars have been more expensive than the average European can afford. And most European countries, like Greece and Spain, have realized that this is an unaffordable currency. However, Europe and the Eurozone can survive with a weak Greece. Europe cannot survive with a weak France, and it will absolutely fail with a weak Germany.

This is what is happening now.

France can no longer afford the Euro. They cannot afford it and keep their population satisfied at the same time. Should France fall into a situation like Spain, the ripple effect will take down Germany with her, and along that all the Eurozone countries.

A low Euro is great for American tourists, but let us be realistic. The Euro needs to fall and all debts forgiven. Pensions, insurance, and private investors that have bought securitized Euros will have to forego a major loss in order for industry and the local economies of each nation to recover. Otherwise, they can wait until the Euro Dollars become naturally worthless and see their countrymen continue to suffer.

Smart move, Switzerland

Rivalry Aside : Uniting Against a Common Foe

The Othmane Empire was never quite able to conquer the wild sands of the Nejd. A bitter and historic rivalry emerged between the Turkish and nomadic Arab people. One that has lasted over a hundred years and, back in the days it was popular, inspired folk songs where Turkish soldiers marched to their peril in the Arabian desert.

Changing geopolitics, as well as an ambitious new king on the Saudi throne, has brought forward a new set of minds to re-examine the timeless rivalry for a new common threat.

President Erdoghan & King Salman

Last night, a special aircraft landed in Istanbul Ataturk Airport. On board were several top foreign policy and military advisers as well as  King Salman Abdel-Aziz Al-Saud himself. The monarch was greeted by his Turkish counterpart, President Recep Erdoghan.

At the Turkish border, Syria and Iraq are in a state of chaos. Da3ch and insurgents have engulfed most of the region into an ethnic and religious war.

Saudi Arabia has recently been testing out their armed forces against Yemen, but is now looking to expand its fight against the Chi3a from another front.

King Salman is looking to unite, militarily, with Turkey to take down Bachaar Al-Asaad. Asaad has not taken care of his country and now stands as a problem towards the safety of the region. The two regional powers, Turkey and Saudi, are now seeking to take out Bachaar and put another government in place. Ideally, this will give serious traction into furthering fighting terrorist groups like Da3ch and keeping the money flow from Iran out of other free fighting groups located within the Chams region.

The goal here is stability. And it starts with a firm handshake amongst old foes.